Post by Swith on Jan 31, 2017 18:23:09 GMT -4
NOMINATION 1: The French Man
Nominated by: The Last Abode of Pando
Notes by The Last Abode of Pando: "This should win because it is the dumbest serious fight ever. Possibly. I don't know."
ENTRY BEST ACTION -OR- FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT SCENE - PLEASE NOTE THAT EACH POST IN THE SCENE IS DIVIDED BY A RED LINE.
Minneapolis, Minnesota - 15 Hours after intended arrival
The members of the Minnesota Infinites hurried down the street, runing in the opposite direction of fleeing citizens. Well I guess they were technically fleeing, though at a brisk powerwalk pace rather than at a sprint. The Infinites eventually paused by a street corner, catching their breathes. In their defense, superheroes who spend most of their time with Netflix and masturbation don't need to exercise much.
"Sir, I *pant* I just realized something. We don't, we don't know what the villain looks like?"
Captain Calculator lifted up his spandex mask to let a waterfall of sweat come out. "Aw hell. You're right. Has anyone seen him?"
Suddenly a man literally jumped an entire city block and landed nearby, grabbing a car and throwing it through a nearby building. Coathanger Man pointed at him while breathing heavily.
"Maybe that's him."
An armored SWAT van pulled up nearby and SWAT officers ran out to take positions.
"Ha Ha! You Americans cannot defeat me!"
The man, wearing his distinctive suit of powered armor, extended his hand towards the SWAT officers. He fired a blast of energy, which was styled like the French flag. The energy blast struck the officers. Their guns turned into picket signs, and the American lawmen turned into French protestors.
"Ha ha! Pathetic American forces!"
The man then fired another energy blast at a parked Hummer. The mighty symbol of American overcompensation suddenly turned into a symbol of European fuel efficiency. He turned to a Starbucks and fired another blast of energy at it. The American chain turned into a stereotypical French café scene, complete with obnoxious music blaring from the inside. The man noticed a passing semi truck with the statue of liberty on the side. He fired at it, but nothing happened.
"Oh yeah. I forgot. That was already French."
"Holy crap!" Coathanger Man exclaimed. "He turns people and objects into French stereotypes!"
"HEY CHARLES DEGAY!"
The man turned to the Infinites. Captain Calculator sighed. "Kendall if you can't come up with a superhero name, what makes you think you can come up with insults?"
"Who are you people?"
"Of course this guy has a cartoonish accent. Great. Nightshade wasn't kidding about this. HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM! WE'RE THE INFINITES, AND WE'RE HERE TO uh. TO... um. TO BEAT THE PISS OUT OF YOU!"
"Ah so these are the famed Infinites. The superheroes who protect America from its greatest threats. Obesity and shitty reality television. Oh wait, no you don't. Ha!"
"Who the hell are you anyways?"
"I am the one who will bring civilization to this pathetic dumpster fire. I am the one who will wipe your bastard Anglo-Saxon culture from the face of this irradiated world. I am the French MAN!"
"The Frenchman?"
"The French MAN!"
"... you have got to be kidding me."
"Who are you supposed to be anyways. I do not recognize you? You don't look like Eagle, or Nightshade, or Cosmos, or that angry Seattle lesbian?"
"My name is Captain Calculator, because... I shoot um, you know, calculators at people."
"... what?"
Captain Calculator demonstrated his power. The Frenchman stared at him. "Where did that come from? Did you build a device just to shoot calculators?"
"No they come from like a portal or something. I don't know man, I'm not a scientist."
"That is... that's just stupid! What kind of a superhero are you? Calculators? Really? Why didn't you just join the circus or give back alley favors to strange men you American freak of nature."
"You know what man! Nothing you're saying right now is original, I've heard it all before."
"Who is everyone else?"
"Well beside me is Teetotaler. He gains superpowers by drinking non-alcoholic beverages."
"If alcohol touches him though he shrivels up and dies." Coathanger Man chimed in.
"Why would you tell him that you stupid! Oh right, that's Coathanger Man. He has no powers, he's just... coathanger themed."
"Hello there uh, French Man. My name is Kendall. Kendall Mueller. I'm uh, working on the name. I can absorb an object's momentum and inertia!"
"Wait what's with that blank space. Wait a minute, where's Fruit Passion? We didn't... aw damnit we left him didn't we."
The French Man stared blankly at his foes. "This... this is some kind of joke right?"
"No you French fuck! Come get your beating!"
"This... this is ridiculous! What are you amateurs? Why did you tell me your powers? How did you get here? Did you run here? None of you fly? You don't have stealth jets or tanks? These are the superheroes sent to stop me? Come on!"
"You're not exactly A-lister material yourself man. I mean, French Man? Really? You turn people into French things? Really? You're giving us a hard time?"
"I do not need to take this from you, you American filth. If you are superheroes then come over here so I can give you a traditional French greeting, which is a fancy metaphor for me beating your barbarian skulls in with my superior French powers!"
"Infinites! Let's... " Captain Calculator froze. "We haven't done anything like this in like, three years. I don't... I don't know what to do."
"Maybe if we run at him we can catch him by surprise-" Before Coathanger Man could finish his suggestion the French Man blasted him with French energy. His outfit disappeared and he turned into a struggling Parisian actor, complete with lit cigarette in hand.
"Jesus! Ben! Are you okay!"
"I don't feel any different. Where did this cigarette come from?" He examined his new clothes. "Wow, I wear way too much cologne."
"Infinites attack! Don't get hit with those French blasts!" The Minnesota Infinites sprung into action, but before she could react the French Man struck Kendall with an energy blast. She turned into a mime.
"Gaah! It turned me into a man!" She examined her clothing and her body. "I'm a man! My boobs are gone and I have man junk and everything!"
"Shut up American! You're not being a very good mime!"
______
Still on Paula's shoulder, Glitch looked down at the scene developing below. "Enter the super-villain, stage left" thought Glitch excitedly. "Now we get to see what we're made of. Not like, researchers and stuff haven't already found out. Organs, and muscle tissue, and all that. But we'll get to see if our stuff is better than his stuff."
And what a super-villain he was. Ok, so he can leap over city blocks and transform people. Transform them into people with funny costumes and other general weirdness. Powerful armor - at least, that was his initial thought. But after further thought, it was possible that this armor was nothing more than aluminum foil held together by chicken wire. And there was a flag. And never mind that he called himself "French-Man." What kind of a super-villain name is that? Glitch had the better thing to call him.
"Yeah, dude down there? With the aluminum foil and chicken wire armor strung together and tied in a really constrictive way, man? Yeah, you. Uh, couple questions that you can answer before you get taken down, yuh know? Like, if you're all about France and so on, why are you talking to us in English and not French? Dude, I can speak some Spanish, so we could do this in Spanish too if you want to go all duo-lingo. Second thing, why do you have the picture of a weird-looking Neapolitan chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream on your chest? There are a lot better flavors, and if Neapolitan is like the French ice cream of choice, you guys have a lot of taste-testin' to do. And third, you need a better name so that when they make a comic book about me, your name will at the very least fit the genre I'm tryin' to market, yuh know? I think I'm gonna call you, 'French-Fry-Guy.' 'Cause it rhymes and all."
Thinking to himself: "Ok, Glitch, check off "humorous banter" from the list of things yuh need to do in a fight. Got that down. Hopefully some comic book writer got all those awesome words to save for immortality."
Glitch was hoping this super-villain would fly up near him. He was hoping to use his stupidity inducement power on the French frog and see what happened. Maybe the villain would become a kindergartner IQ. Maybe h'ed become a drooling vegetable. Or at the very lowest of the chain, it's possible he might even end up as a Justin Bieber fan. Plus, if French-Fry-Guy flew up there, Glitch was pretty sure that something important in that super-suit wouldn't be working the way that it was supposed to. Maybe his jets, or his gun, or his air-conditioner...
_____
French-themed villain with powers to turn people into..French? Not her idea of doing heroism. It's not gonna work, except if she changes into someone that is French-themed, like a mime or something else, like wrapped within a French flag.
Jessica hid behind a dumpster as she peeked out, watching the rest of the Minnesota Infinites tried valiantly, to avail? Captain Calculator is that, he did some kind of calculator-themed attack, and that is pretty much lame power. The other...Coathanger Man, like really? That's the best? Sure, she could tried her hand on the villain, which she turned into a mime.
Now a mime (she did touched a mime yesterday, some struggling actor in the college), she now watched the situation unfolds and looking for the right opportunity.
_____
The French Man looked up at the incredibly large woman standing over him, listening to the taunts thrown at him by the man on her shoulder.
"American boudin! You are not worthy to sniff my carbohydrate heavy farts!"
The French Man jumped up after the man, propelled into the air by his armor. He came up to the large woman's head, preparing to strike at her.
----
"... hmm? Sorry I wasn't listening to you."
Fruit Passion scribbled in his journal as the man tried to talk to him. He occasionally nodded his head, which may have given the impression that he was listening, but really he was just assuring himself of his notes.
"I was too busy planning a safe house. It's in case the original team of Infinites, you know the one lead by Eagle, turn out to be Russian sleeper agents and they decide to kill everyone. Incredibly unlikely I know but hey, call me a conspiracy theorist. I like to be prepared."
He flipped through his notebook. "Now should I buy twelve packs of Fruit Passion or two liter bottles of Fruit Passion?
_____
Ooh! Ooh! He almost hit um...somebody!
Jessica moved elsewhere and now into an abandoned grocery store. Abandoned but not quite safe from few hiding people. She looked on the slushie counter and decided to get herself a treat. Some nice cold slushie, just in case. She of course turned again, this time as Captain Calculator. When someone confusedly stared at him, she mentioned, "Even hero needs rest, my friend," as he walked out again and into the alley.
"Ugh, my power is hardly useful when it comes to the field fighting. I really need to brush up my combat," said Jessica, pondering on it.
_____
The walk to Minneapolis had been quite nice, especially with the company. In fact, it had for some time not even felt as if they were on an important mission, but a lovely hike instead. However, it didn't last long, because Paula was not one to walk slowly, and when they got to the city, that previous warm feeling had gone for sure, replaced by something cold, uncertain, and in all aspects not nice at all. Paula didn't know what to do. Simply step on the arrogant Frenchie? While likely very effective it was at the same time extremely brutal, and probably not a very popular act, even though he was a supervillain. An extremely lame supervillain, but nonetheless a supervillain. And since they all were extremely lame superheroes, a worthy opponent. Still, Paula didn't have it in her to kill him, just like she couldn't bring herself to kill anybody. So what could she do? She had to try to stop him in some other way, obviously. But how exactly would she do that, that was the big question.
While Paula hesitated and pondered, her friend-or-perhaps-more-then-just-a-friend-she-wasn't-sure-yet-of-her-feelings-for-him-or-of-his-feelings-for-her-for-that-matter-they-really-had-to-talk-about-about-that-at-a-more-appropriate-time Glitch had already jumped into action by taunting the guy from above. The effect, desired or undesired, it was hard to know with Glitch, was that the French Man got aggrevated and jumped up at them. Paula in turn, still somewhat lost in thoughts, reacted instinctively by tossing her head slightly back and smacking their enemy away with her open hand, just as if he had been an annoying wasp or hostile military helicopter. "Aahh! Get away from me!" she shouted simultaneously.
Below them, a certain spectator watched the scene carefully and with great interest, while at the same time trying to appear as if she wasn't very interested at all in the super fight, despite the fact that it attracted every other onlooker's unshared attention. Her indiscrete discretion was further highlighted by the fact that she was wearing a grey trenchcoat, black sunglasses, and "reading" a newspaper where she was sitting in a nearby park bench a few yards away. Though in her defense she wasn't wearing the typical hat, which would've been a dead giveaway, but her own black beret instead, which made her slightly less suspicious. "Oh, zip it narrator! Les Américains wouldn't understand who I was even if I pranced around with a poster of Brigitte Bardot while singing La Marseillaise for all my worth..."
Actually Bianca, I think...
"I said zip it!"
_____
Trailing behind the others, riding on his wave of coral, Polyp only caught the very end of their foes stereotypical monologue. The French Man? Are you shitting me? Sighing, he lurched forward on his coral slide, hitting the ground with a soft thud. Rolling forwards, he snapped off a bolt of razor sharp coral, firing off chunks of the sea animal. Elkhorn, Hammer, Staghorn, various types of coral chunks rained down on the french villain. Sweating beneath his helmet, he found the other various members of his team to be rather busied with the effects of the french man's blasts.
Snapping his fingers, he shot up a wall of coral, protecting himself from a French - Beam at the last minute, before diving forward, his coral gauntlets slowly covering themselves with Fire Coral. Kinda like jelly-fish covered bronze knuckles. Dodging a french blast, he reared up, and launched a hay-maker blow at the dastardly fiend, the Fire Coral covered gauntlets rearing back.
"French-Man? Really? Make like a real French Man, and surrender already!"
_____
Meanwhile, in a Starbucks in Minneapolis...
Cory was having a relatively good day that day- he was out of Orient, for once, and had actually managed to do some genuinely good shopping (not that Minneapolis has the world's greatest mall, or whatever, but I digress). The espresso wasn't bad (for Starbucks, anyway- whether it was good or not was a different question entirely) and the Sun was shining (OK, so this wasn't so good). But he was alright for another day and that was great.
Of course that was until The Frenchie showed up. Suddenly he was in a Cafe and he wasn't happy. He glanced outside a bit and saw something he had not expected, namely superheroes and... whatever the fuck the french guy was. Considering the "heroes" a bit, he realised that some of them were from the Minnesota Infinite (thinking about it he hadn't seen them in action for a while, outside of the normal dysfunctional family dynamic). All of the "normal" ones were there- and some new ones, they were... weird, at best.
Then he was sitting in a cafe. Weird, as I said.
Deciding against any reasonable impulse in his body, he got up, walked out of the "coffee shop" (grabbing some milk cartons on the way from somewhere) and tapped Captain Calculator on the shoulder.
"Hey Cap, what's going on? Please tell me." He was almost pleading at this last statement. "I thought there wasn't any shit like this going on here."
_____
Captain Andorra watched on as this French Man trashed his team. They all kind of sucked. And that was why he was brought in. Now in order to defeat this French menace he needed to distract him. Easy.
"Hey! Mr.French Man! I think that Andorra should have full sovereignty rights and not just be a principality! Down with the French oppression of Andorra!"
After that beautiful statement, he flung his wooden shield at the man and fell short by about three feet. "Uh. Can I have that back please?"
_____
Aero-Gal, who had been simply observing to this point, had an idea.
Everyone can dog-pile him or something!
She'd hoped that if she waited a bit, this ... French Man villain guy would tire himself out a bit more, and thus make himself easier to take down. But now she saw The French Man's armor glowing. Freaking. Glowing.
If I learned anything from the all the comics I've read, glowing stuff is almost never good. We have to take this chuckle-head down fast. ... I just hope he doesn't explode or something.
She quickly runs over to toss Captain Andorra his shield back.
She then charges at The French Man as she shouts at the top of her lungs, "MINNESOTA INFINITIES! DOG-PILE! Except you Paula 'cause you'd probably crush us all to death. Sorry!"
_____
So our first fight with a super-villain was going ok. We had to let him get in a few shots, because if it weren't for long fight scenes, comic books would need filler material and all that. And someday, this would be a comic. I'm practically sure of it, just as I'm practically sure that every waking moment of mine would also end in a comic book. You have to know where you're goin' in life, and all.
But then there's this thing called, falling down. And that thing was about to happen to me in a big way. So, there I was thinking of all the many ways I would beat the French-Fry-Guy, and calling out occasional words of moral support. ("Way to go, Teadrinkerman!" "Hey, it's only a car. That can't compare to millions of calculators, Captain Co-Sine.") And then all of a sudden, the villain hit Paula, and we were having that thing that I was talkin' about? That thing that was thingily thinging in the big thing way. Yeah, that thing. The falling down part.
It's happened to me before. And the ground malfunctions, and it's like landing on a pillow, only it's the ground. You wouldn't want to confuse the two, dude, by taking the ground up into your bed or running your car over your pillow. I think there's a point where the effect stops or something. And then, you'd just have a bed covered in ground, and your hair would get all gross and stuff. I tried that once, just to see what would happen. And it happens like you would think. It's not cool, man.
But I digress. There I was, fallin' from the lovely height that is Paula's shoulder. And I was expectin' the ground to be all malfunction-y pillow-like, yuh know, like all soft and all? So I stretched out to enjoy it when I plopped down, you know? And on the way down, I saw the French-Fry-Guy glowin', and heavin' more cars, and Aeroplane-Gal and some others try to dogpile on him? But he flew up into the air - passin' me, even. And it happened. One of his jets malfunctioned in an embarrassingly obvious way. French-Fry-Guy started doin' vertical upside-down 180's, like he was goin' in circles head-first an' all, spinnin' around - or more like revolving and rotating at the same time? I don't know. Physics wasn't my thing. But French-Fry-Guy was all in the air, tryin' to fly, only I wouldn't call it flyin'. More like, flailing about in the air, with a suit of armor that looked like it does when you microwave popcorn and the light's are on and all... And then he rammed head first into that Paris cafe' he had made. Sparks were flyin'. Coffee was flyin'. French-Fly-Guy wasn't flyin'. And me? I was fallin'.
With a smile on my face, I counted down to when I would reach my soft landing due to the ground that decided not to work right at that particular time. 5-4-hope Paula's ok, man I hadn't even seen what happened to her - 1...
THUD.
"Ow."
No malfunction. Ground's workin' fine. Never mind me...
_____
The French Man knocked Aero-Gal aside. He took a step back and readied a full power blast of French energy.
Calculator turned to the cafe patron. "We're kind of in a supervillain situation here!"
The French Man heard and tried to fire on the two. Kendall sprinted forward and blocked the blast. She struggled with the pure French essence.
"Kendall!"
"It's fine, she said with a deepening voice. "I've already been hit remember? How worse can it get."
Kendall was however turning into a Frenchier mime. Her shirt became very tight with white and black stripes, clinging to her increasingly masculine body. Her haircut shortened and went from blonde to black. A beret materialized.
"If you're going to do something, do it quickly you American pig dog."
"What'd you call me?"
"That wasn't me! It was the Frenchness? Frenchiness? Ah whatever, your silly language is redundant and just copies patterns from more superior languages anyways. You owe your independence to us you ungrateful swine! The only reason you won anyways is because your English foes were too busy laughing at your ridiculous coonskin hats and your 'hoe-downs'. I can't tell what is worse. Your cheap trash you call food or your pathetic cultural dumpster fire you call Hollywood."
"Let's move before she, he, insults us any further." Calculator sprinted forward and tried to tackle the French Man. He grabbed the middle aged D-lister by the neck and lifted him up with one hand.
"Crap." Calculator exclaimed weakly, struggling for breath. "You're such a lame villain, I forgot your armor is actually kind of badass."
"Ha ha hon! Now American slime, you die like your pathetic attempts to compete with Latin countries at soccer, wait no I mean football. Sacre bleu, you American culture is getting to me!"
The French Man threw Captain Calculator to the ground and readied the iconic supervillain finishing move. A quick kick to the head. Wait no, that's not what usually happens. Usually they make a death trap or use lasers or something. Anyways Calculator was about to die Detroit style until a bright pink teenager materialized out of thin air behind him.
"Big mistake dirt bag!" The woman tackled the French Man and they both disappeared.
"What the hell! Did, did you all see that! I'm not crazy right! I didn't hit my head too hard right!"
"Relax Coathanger Man that's Wraith. She's with the Midwest Infinites, though I have no idea why she's here."
"Wraith?"
"Take one guess why they call her that."
Suddenly the bright pink teenager materialized behind Calculator. "Calvary is here."
Calculator turned. He glanced around. "Where... where is he?"
Wraith just stared at him smiling. His expression soured. She suddenly looked startled.
"Oh sorry! No I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. No I'm not answering you because, well trust me this is going to be badass."
"What is?"
"You know?"
"No I don't! What the hell are you doing!"
"Ugh. Fine I, waiting for him to fall down. I was going to say there he is, right after he hit the ground. It'd be super badass but, timings not on my side here obviously."
"You fucking dropped him from the sky!"
Suddenly the French Man's armored body came crashing down. Calculator glanced over. Blood was pooling beneath the armor.
"Holy shit!"
Wraith turned around. "Hah hah! Not what I was planning but still cool! I mean the timing! Right after you asked if I dropped him, you get the answer! Not what I was planning but just as cool!"
"You teleported him into the sky and let him fall!"
The other Infinites gathered around the body. Coathanger Man kicked his head lightly. "He's dead. He's dead... really very dead. Ew that stuff is lighter than the rest of his blood. I hope it's not brain juice."
"Wraith!"
Wraith glanced back to Calculator and back to the body. "Do you guys... do you guys not kill your villains? Oh... oh I'm so sorry. Jeez I'm being a real ball buster here. I steal your villain, I murder him. I promise I didn't want this to go this way. I didn't want this to be my first impression."
"We've met before Wraith, at a convention."
"Oh yeah. You were the middle aged man who wanted my attention. Yeah, even among the Infinites that's not uncommon. Sorry, I never really interacted with you much. About my other question though?"
"No we don't kill our villains! Wait, no we... we don't not kill. I mean we don't usually do this. There hasn't been a precedent I guess."
"I'm sorry. Your first villain and I take him from you. I promise I wanted to just look cool, not be an asshole."
"Straight up murders a man and the thing she cares about now is not hurting other people's feelings. That's a 180. I like her already."
Wraith walked up to Coathanger Man. "Thanks! Let me guess, Moon Knight! I'm so good at guessing people's superhero names. I do it based on their outfit. With the white cloak and all, it fits."
"No, I'm pretty sure that's a Marvel character too."
"Hmm. Anarchy!"
"No."
"Umm, the White Flash!"
"Yeah... no."
"The clothesline!'
"That's... eerily close. You know what, I should have thought of that."
"You... you can come up up superhero titles? Can... can you do one for me?"
Wraith turned to Kendall. "Sure. Mime Man!"
"What?! Oh right, no no I don't look like this normally. I'm not even a man. It's a long story. Well it's not, but it's a weird story."
"Well you can tell it to Pryce when we get to headquarters. He'll be very interested."
"Headquarters?"
"Yeah Pryce, our team leader, wants to meet you all. I'll take you. It doesn't feel bad I promise."
"Pryce sent you to check in on us? Was Nightshade involved?"
"What? No, no. I wasn't sent to check on you or you on you or report on you. Heh what a silly idea, heh heh. No I'm just here to deliver you guys. You'll love HQ there's wifi, TV, robot butlers, all the Pryce Industries tech you could want, sex bots... wait. I'm not supposed to mention those. No sexbots, no official sexbots. Unofficially if you get to know Pryce pretty well..."
Calculator frowned. Wraith didn't even seem to notice her suddenly odd speech pattern. "Why does he want to see us?"
"I can't tell you. You all seem nice though. I'm sure it'll be great."
"Yeah. Super."
_____
Wraith stared at the French Man's corpse. After having teleported the Infinites to the Midwest Infinites HQ, she went back to retrieve the body. Really she only needed the armor, but she didn't exactly want to pry the corpse out of it. Plus with her power it would hardly be difficult. She walked over to the body. SWAT officers she had teleported past turned to try and stop her, but after seeing the iconic pink spandex they returned to what they had been doing. Wraith bent down to touch the armor. When she did so however it burned her, badly.
"Gaah!" She looked down at her hand. It was a fairly severe burn, though only on the tip of her finger. Pryce could easily heal it no problem. She cautiously held her hand over the armor. She didn't feel any heat coming off of it.
It's not hot anymore you moron. Just pick it up.
"What?" Wraith turned but no one was behind her. She glanced around. "Anyone here? Who said that."
Nobody was there besides the SWAT officers, and they were too far to have said that. Wraith shrugged and touched the armor again. It was cool. She figured it must have been a thought that just suddenly popped into her head and started to lift the armor. It was heavy but she only had to get it off the ground. Once she did she teleported, and soon she was in Pryce's lab. She dumped the corpse on the ground.
"Eh. A robot will get it."
She teleported to the lobby of the headquarters, the eyes of the Minnesota Infinites all turning to her.
"Pryce won't be here for some time, but I can give you all the tour! Right this way."
----
Fruit Passion struggled to his feet as the soda infused villain attacked. He noticed a stand of greeting cards beside him. He took one and flung it at the villain. It landed only about three feet away.
"It's invincible! Nothing can kill it!"
Suddenly though the soda based villain began to shriek as its liquid body vibrated uncontrollably. Fruit Passion looked at the greeting card.
"No, its weakness is greeting cards!" Fruit Passion sprinted forward with another greeting card and jabbed it into the villain. He was violently swatted away.
"NO YOU BLUBBERING MORON! ITS WEAKNESS IS NOT GREETING CARDS! GET THE HELL BACK!"
A man, really just a man; he seemed indistinguishable from any other background character so you can't blame me for not mentioning him earlier, I'm not a perfect narrator, sprinted forward. In his hand he wielded some kind of grenade like device. As it got closer Fruit Passion could hear a very high pitched noise. The soda monster shrieked as it got closer, his body falling apart. The man tossed the device into the villain's weakened body and ducked for cover. As the villain shrieked in pain the device went off, sending soda everywhere.
----
Wraith walked down the halls of the Midwest Infinites HQ with the Minnesota Infinites. "So how'd everyone like Pryce's lab? Everything in there was built with his own hands, and he didn't spend more than five thousand on any of those machines. With that kind of brilliance, it's not hard to see why his corporation is one of the largest in the world or why it can do so much when he has access to hundreds of scientists and billions of dollars."
"You're not just a superhero then. Shilling is also in the job description."
Wraith shot back a nasty look at Captain Calculator. "I have genuine respect for Pryce. He's a brilliant man, and a brilliant leader. He's done real good for the Infinites and for the country. He's an inspiration, and he treats me like an adult and with respect."
HAH! Hah hah ho, jeez. That's a good one, thanks for that laugh. You're such a dumb bitch. If you knew the truth. He thinks of you like a piece of toilet paper. Soon you'll be used and then flushed.
"What did you say to me!"
"What?!"
Wraith paused. Now that she thought about it, it was the same voice from Minneapolis. It wasn't anyone from the Minnesota Infinites.
"You guys... you guys didn't hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Uhh... uh Panacea. Of course you couldn't hear her. She's talking to me over my comms. She was just insulting me so that's why I reacted like that. We kid, the two of us, heh heh. Err, let's continue." Wraith was of course just saving face. She had no idea who that voice belonged to, and now she knew only she could hear it. Great.
After directing the Minnesota Infinites to wait in the lobby Wraith excused herself and teleported outside. She paced back and forth nervously. "Okay Rachel, get it together. Everything's fine. It was just in your head. You just needed some fresh air was all."
She sat on the grass, taking a deep breath. Everything did feel better. "Alright. Everything's good. I must have been stressed was all."
What would you have to be stressed about. Oh I'm a teen girl. Everything is hard.
Wraith teleported several meters away and jumped up. "Who are you! Show yourself!"
Is this how you treat your guests?
Wraith teleported across the entire complex, all the way over to the helipad. I'm in your head stupid. You can't run from me.
"Gaah!" She looked around panicking. "What are you? You're messing with the wrong person. I'm a member of the Infinites!"
A superhero? Yeah I know. So am I, and I'm kind of better at it then you. In fact I wrote the damn book.
"Then who are you?"
We've never met, but you know who I am. Or I hope you do, this country's education system is kind of going down the shitter.
"I don't-"
I'm a bona fide American hero. I'm like the founding fathers but with a lot more asskicking. I forged this country out of nothing. It was an irradiated dumpster fire when I found it. I built it up through war and conquest so that in the future little girls like you could play pretend and marvel in my legacy. I was the first superhero. I was the knight out of legends.
"Who are you though? What's happening!"
Christ you're never going to get it. I am the American Knight! American hero! Knight out of legends! Uh girl, your boobs to ass ratio is way to small to get you through life with that little brain power.
"What is this? You're a telepath aren't you? Playing some dumbass joke!"
Oh you don't believe me?
Wraith was suddenly bombarded with images, vivid images. Raiders and bandits. An army fighting under an American banner. A figure with medieval armor, the great seal of the United States on the shield.
I'll keep doing that if I have to.
"This is ridiculous. You're some telepath aren't you! How are you American Knight! American Knight was a man and your voice is female."
How do you know?
Wraith thought. "Oh. No one ever saw the American Knight without their armor."
You just assumed I was a man? Don't worry that's normal. We all make assumptions. You assumed a figure who conquered an irradiated wasteland and turned it into a nation-state was male, just like you probably assumed you'd never have that figure living rent free in your brain talking to you as an AI representation of that figure's consciousness.
"What?!"
Sister whether you wanted to or not, you've stumbled onto the first piece of an elaborate conspiracy. You're mine now, and you need me. I need you because, well, I can't exactly physically interact with things anymore. You need me because men and women a lot smarter than you, including your BFF Pryce, are using you as a pawn in their game. Truth is game was rigged from the start. Don't worry though. You've got another player now.
Behind Wraith a blue transparent hologram of a figure wearing medieval style armor, with a large shield that had the great seal of the United States on it, materialized. The figure put their hand on Wraith's shoulder though she didn't notice.
You and me baby doll, we're going to have a lot of fun together. Then I might kill you.
Wraith turned her head slowly to the holographic figure, noticing its head right on her shoulder.
"GAAH!"
_____
So the fight with French-Fry-Guy ended kind of unexpected. I thought we were being stupendous, and the bad guy was gonna be taken down, yuh know? I mean, there were hits and blasts and coral and dogpilin' and more blasts and calculators and dodgin' cars and more blasts and finally him crashing into that little Paris cafe' and then somehow miraculously shrugging it off like it never happened and then tryin' to do the last minute, overpowered bad-guy-villain thing where he looks like he's gonna win, but he doesn't? And then, who should appear but one of the real Infinites! Wraith! Whoa! And then, the next thing I know, French-Fry-Guy is dead! Dead, as in like Elvis Presley's fashion sense dead. And I'm in a great amount of superhero pain an' all. And then we're teleported all to this secret lair of what's his name with all the doodads and gizmos.
Dude! I know Wraith! She teleported me to the front door of the Minnesota Infinites from the super-secret-Infinites HQ of the California Infinites, after I crashed that huge alien warship, yuh know? It's kind of like what started this whole quest of mine. So yeah, Wraith came and dropped me off right there on the doorstep. Dude! She doesn't recognize me?
Then Wraith blinked out of existence, like she was beaming up to the Enterprise, only without the cheezy special effects from the 70's? And so I glanced over at Paula. "You ok, babe?" She didn't look ok. She looked kind of crammed and all.
And then just like that, Wraith went all Enterprise again and came back - with dead French-Fry-Guy. Dude, I witnessed it, but I still don't know what's goin' on. So I tried to reintroduce myself to Wraith and all, seein' as how we have a history, and then she kind of started leadin' us on a tour (which was good, because several of those techno-gizmos were starting to give off tons of smoke, and one was on fire). And as she was tourin', she started actin' all superodd, yuh know? And maybe it just wasn't the moment to make reintroductions and all. It's like she was havin' a schizo moment.
But I thought I would try anyway. "Hey, Wraith, remember me? Remember, you teleported me not to long ago to the HQ of the Minnesota Infinites after I took down that huge alien warship? I'm Glitch! Like, we're almost friends. Right?"
And even though Wraith was goin' all schizo, she looked at me, and recognized me. I'm sure of it! Then, she said, "Oh, it's you." Totally awesome! Like I said, we're practically friends!
_____
Paula wasn't prepared for the French Man's blow to her knee, and less so how much it actually would hurt. It got her completely off guard, she lost her balance, and fell down hard on the ground, right at the same knee that he had hit. "AAAGGHH!!!" she cried out, grimaced in pain, and winced. What had happened to Glitch? God, it fucking hurt! She really hoped he was okay, but she couldn't see him. Had he fallen behind her? She hadn't accidently crushed him, had she?
The blonde giantess with the red-squared flannel shirt struggled to get up again, but managed only to get to a sitting position. She grabbed her knee with both hands. Well, she was done for. No more fighting for her today. The pain was simply too much. She inhaled sharply, and let out another cry of pain. "SHHHHH- AAAAAGHH!!! SHHHHHH- AAAAAAGHHH!!! SHHHHH- !" In the corner of her eye she could see that the fight still went on. The villain was actually tougher than expected, but after another couple of failed attempts by her new friends and colleagues to subdue him, some pink girl turned up from nowhere and just killed him. If she hadn't been in so much pain, Paula would probably have been shocked, or at least surprised, but as it was now, she wasn't. She was too busy not to cry. Not because she was sad but because it hurt like hell, but still she refused to show herself weak like that. Stupid maybe, but...
She hardly noticed that they were teleported. Not until she realized that they were inside, and that it somehow was room for her too, a fact that she found even more unbelievable than the teleportation act itself. Strange, but there was a first time for everything, she supposed.
Then she heard a familiar voice from below, a voice that made her smile. "Glitch! Yes, I'm okay! Are you?" Then she looked at the others and whispered. "Sorry for screaming..."
[/hr]
At first, the obvious spy just snickered. She loved the new look of the block that her ex-husband was giving it, but she found it just as amusing to see him get his ass kicked. "Ha ha hon! Serves that crétin just right..." Then, she began to worry. "Merde, this doesn't look too good for him. Maybe I should intervene? Then again, I do want him stopped..." And when Wraith made her appearance, she dropped her cigarette into her glass of wine (because of course she also had a glass of wine next to her, even though I forgot to mention that earlier), and gaped just as much as all other spectators, those who weren't secret agents.
"Merde..."
She wanted to scream when he crashed to his certain death, but somehow she couldn't. She was paralyzed. All she could do was to stare at the horrible scene in front of her. This... this could not be! This wasn't how it was supposed to work out! Slowly, she came to her senses again, but at that point the so-called heroes were already gone. She blinked, gripped her newspaper tighter, and swallowed. She tried to constrain herself. Despite all the things that had happened between them, a part of her had still loved the man, and there was also another aspect, that Wraith herself unknowingly had realized... French Man had been Bianca's to catch, alive, and then this putain just showed up and killed him! Putain de bordel de merde!
La Grenouille gritted her teeth and hizzed. "I'll get you for this, Wraith..."
Nominated by: The Last Abode of Pando
Notes by The Last Abode of Pando: "This should win because it is the dumbest serious fight ever. Possibly. I don't know."
ENTRY BEST ACTION -OR- FIGHT-OR-FLIGHT SCENE - PLEASE NOTE THAT EACH POST IN THE SCENE IS DIVIDED BY A RED LINE.
Minneapolis, Minnesota - 15 Hours after intended arrival
The members of the Minnesota Infinites hurried down the street, runing in the opposite direction of fleeing citizens. Well I guess they were technically fleeing, though at a brisk powerwalk pace rather than at a sprint. The Infinites eventually paused by a street corner, catching their breathes. In their defense, superheroes who spend most of their time with Netflix and masturbation don't need to exercise much.
"Sir, I *pant* I just realized something. We don't, we don't know what the villain looks like?"
Captain Calculator lifted up his spandex mask to let a waterfall of sweat come out. "Aw hell. You're right. Has anyone seen him?"
Suddenly a man literally jumped an entire city block and landed nearby, grabbing a car and throwing it through a nearby building. Coathanger Man pointed at him while breathing heavily.
"Maybe that's him."
An armored SWAT van pulled up nearby and SWAT officers ran out to take positions.
"Ha Ha! You Americans cannot defeat me!"
The man, wearing his distinctive suit of powered armor, extended his hand towards the SWAT officers. He fired a blast of energy, which was styled like the French flag. The energy blast struck the officers. Their guns turned into picket signs, and the American lawmen turned into French protestors.
"Ha ha! Pathetic American forces!"
The man then fired another energy blast at a parked Hummer. The mighty symbol of American overcompensation suddenly turned into a symbol of European fuel efficiency. He turned to a Starbucks and fired another blast of energy at it. The American chain turned into a stereotypical French café scene, complete with obnoxious music blaring from the inside. The man noticed a passing semi truck with the statue of liberty on the side. He fired at it, but nothing happened.
"Oh yeah. I forgot. That was already French."
"Holy crap!" Coathanger Man exclaimed. "He turns people and objects into French stereotypes!"
"HEY CHARLES DEGAY!"
The man turned to the Infinites. Captain Calculator sighed. "Kendall if you can't come up with a superhero name, what makes you think you can come up with insults?"
"Who are you people?"
"Of course this guy has a cartoonish accent. Great. Nightshade wasn't kidding about this. HEY, STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM! WE'RE THE INFINITES, AND WE'RE HERE TO uh. TO... um. TO BEAT THE PISS OUT OF YOU!"
"Ah so these are the famed Infinites. The superheroes who protect America from its greatest threats. Obesity and shitty reality television. Oh wait, no you don't. Ha!"
"Who the hell are you anyways?"
"I am the one who will bring civilization to this pathetic dumpster fire. I am the one who will wipe your bastard Anglo-Saxon culture from the face of this irradiated world. I am the French MAN!"
"The Frenchman?"
"The French MAN!"
"... you have got to be kidding me."
"Who are you supposed to be anyways. I do not recognize you? You don't look like Eagle, or Nightshade, or Cosmos, or that angry Seattle lesbian?"
"My name is Captain Calculator, because... I shoot um, you know, calculators at people."
"... what?"
Captain Calculator demonstrated his power. The Frenchman stared at him. "Where did that come from? Did you build a device just to shoot calculators?"
"No they come from like a portal or something. I don't know man, I'm not a scientist."
"That is... that's just stupid! What kind of a superhero are you? Calculators? Really? Why didn't you just join the circus or give back alley favors to strange men you American freak of nature."
"You know what man! Nothing you're saying right now is original, I've heard it all before."
"Who is everyone else?"
"Well beside me is Teetotaler. He gains superpowers by drinking non-alcoholic beverages."
"If alcohol touches him though he shrivels up and dies." Coathanger Man chimed in.
"Why would you tell him that you stupid! Oh right, that's Coathanger Man. He has no powers, he's just... coathanger themed."
"Hello there uh, French Man. My name is Kendall. Kendall Mueller. I'm uh, working on the name. I can absorb an object's momentum and inertia!"
"Wait what's with that blank space. Wait a minute, where's Fruit Passion? We didn't... aw damnit we left him didn't we."
The French Man stared blankly at his foes. "This... this is some kind of joke right?"
"No you French fuck! Come get your beating!"
"This... this is ridiculous! What are you amateurs? Why did you tell me your powers? How did you get here? Did you run here? None of you fly? You don't have stealth jets or tanks? These are the superheroes sent to stop me? Come on!"
"You're not exactly A-lister material yourself man. I mean, French Man? Really? You turn people into French things? Really? You're giving us a hard time?"
"I do not need to take this from you, you American filth. If you are superheroes then come over here so I can give you a traditional French greeting, which is a fancy metaphor for me beating your barbarian skulls in with my superior French powers!"
"Infinites! Let's... " Captain Calculator froze. "We haven't done anything like this in like, three years. I don't... I don't know what to do."
"Maybe if we run at him we can catch him by surprise-" Before Coathanger Man could finish his suggestion the French Man blasted him with French energy. His outfit disappeared and he turned into a struggling Parisian actor, complete with lit cigarette in hand.
"Jesus! Ben! Are you okay!"
"I don't feel any different. Where did this cigarette come from?" He examined his new clothes. "Wow, I wear way too much cologne."
"Infinites attack! Don't get hit with those French blasts!" The Minnesota Infinites sprung into action, but before she could react the French Man struck Kendall with an energy blast. She turned into a mime.
"Gaah! It turned me into a man!" She examined her clothing and her body. "I'm a man! My boobs are gone and I have man junk and everything!"
"Shut up American! You're not being a very good mime!"
______
Still on Paula's shoulder, Glitch looked down at the scene developing below. "Enter the super-villain, stage left" thought Glitch excitedly. "Now we get to see what we're made of. Not like, researchers and stuff haven't already found out. Organs, and muscle tissue, and all that. But we'll get to see if our stuff is better than his stuff."
And what a super-villain he was. Ok, so he can leap over city blocks and transform people. Transform them into people with funny costumes and other general weirdness. Powerful armor - at least, that was his initial thought. But after further thought, it was possible that this armor was nothing more than aluminum foil held together by chicken wire. And there was a flag. And never mind that he called himself "French-Man." What kind of a super-villain name is that? Glitch had the better thing to call him.
"Yeah, dude down there? With the aluminum foil and chicken wire armor strung together and tied in a really constrictive way, man? Yeah, you. Uh, couple questions that you can answer before you get taken down, yuh know? Like, if you're all about France and so on, why are you talking to us in English and not French? Dude, I can speak some Spanish, so we could do this in Spanish too if you want to go all duo-lingo. Second thing, why do you have the picture of a weird-looking Neapolitan chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream on your chest? There are a lot better flavors, and if Neapolitan is like the French ice cream of choice, you guys have a lot of taste-testin' to do. And third, you need a better name so that when they make a comic book about me, your name will at the very least fit the genre I'm tryin' to market, yuh know? I think I'm gonna call you, 'French-Fry-Guy.' 'Cause it rhymes and all."
Thinking to himself: "Ok, Glitch, check off "humorous banter" from the list of things yuh need to do in a fight. Got that down. Hopefully some comic book writer got all those awesome words to save for immortality."
Glitch was hoping this super-villain would fly up near him. He was hoping to use his stupidity inducement power on the French frog and see what happened. Maybe the villain would become a kindergartner IQ. Maybe h'ed become a drooling vegetable. Or at the very lowest of the chain, it's possible he might even end up as a Justin Bieber fan. Plus, if French-Fry-Guy flew up there, Glitch was pretty sure that something important in that super-suit wouldn't be working the way that it was supposed to. Maybe his jets, or his gun, or his air-conditioner...
_____
French-themed villain with powers to turn people into..French? Not her idea of doing heroism. It's not gonna work, except if she changes into someone that is French-themed, like a mime or something else, like wrapped within a French flag.
Jessica hid behind a dumpster as she peeked out, watching the rest of the Minnesota Infinites tried valiantly, to avail? Captain Calculator is that, he did some kind of calculator-themed attack, and that is pretty much lame power. The other...Coathanger Man, like really? That's the best? Sure, she could tried her hand on the villain, which she turned into a mime.
Now a mime (she did touched a mime yesterday, some struggling actor in the college), she now watched the situation unfolds and looking for the right opportunity.
_____
The French Man looked up at the incredibly large woman standing over him, listening to the taunts thrown at him by the man on her shoulder.
"American boudin! You are not worthy to sniff my carbohydrate heavy farts!"
The French Man jumped up after the man, propelled into the air by his armor. He came up to the large woman's head, preparing to strike at her.
----
"... hmm? Sorry I wasn't listening to you."
Fruit Passion scribbled in his journal as the man tried to talk to him. He occasionally nodded his head, which may have given the impression that he was listening, but really he was just assuring himself of his notes.
"I was too busy planning a safe house. It's in case the original team of Infinites, you know the one lead by Eagle, turn out to be Russian sleeper agents and they decide to kill everyone. Incredibly unlikely I know but hey, call me a conspiracy theorist. I like to be prepared."
He flipped through his notebook. "Now should I buy twelve packs of Fruit Passion or two liter bottles of Fruit Passion?
_____
Ooh! Ooh! He almost hit um...somebody!
Jessica moved elsewhere and now into an abandoned grocery store. Abandoned but not quite safe from few hiding people. She looked on the slushie counter and decided to get herself a treat. Some nice cold slushie, just in case. She of course turned again, this time as Captain Calculator. When someone confusedly stared at him, she mentioned, "Even hero needs rest, my friend," as he walked out again and into the alley.
"Ugh, my power is hardly useful when it comes to the field fighting. I really need to brush up my combat," said Jessica, pondering on it.
_____
The walk to Minneapolis had been quite nice, especially with the company. In fact, it had for some time not even felt as if they were on an important mission, but a lovely hike instead. However, it didn't last long, because Paula was not one to walk slowly, and when they got to the city, that previous warm feeling had gone for sure, replaced by something cold, uncertain, and in all aspects not nice at all. Paula didn't know what to do. Simply step on the arrogant Frenchie? While likely very effective it was at the same time extremely brutal, and probably not a very popular act, even though he was a supervillain. An extremely lame supervillain, but nonetheless a supervillain. And since they all were extremely lame superheroes, a worthy opponent. Still, Paula didn't have it in her to kill him, just like she couldn't bring herself to kill anybody. So what could she do? She had to try to stop him in some other way, obviously. But how exactly would she do that, that was the big question.
While Paula hesitated and pondered, her friend-or-perhaps-more-then-just-a-friend-she-wasn't-sure-yet-of-her-feelings-for-him-or-of-his-feelings-for-her-for-that-matter-they-really-had-to-talk-about-about-that-at-a-more-appropriate-time Glitch had already jumped into action by taunting the guy from above. The effect, desired or undesired, it was hard to know with Glitch, was that the French Man got aggrevated and jumped up at them. Paula in turn, still somewhat lost in thoughts, reacted instinctively by tossing her head slightly back and smacking their enemy away with her open hand, just as if he had been an annoying wasp or hostile military helicopter. "Aahh! Get away from me!" she shouted simultaneously.
Below them, a certain spectator watched the scene carefully and with great interest, while at the same time trying to appear as if she wasn't very interested at all in the super fight, despite the fact that it attracted every other onlooker's unshared attention. Her indiscrete discretion was further highlighted by the fact that she was wearing a grey trenchcoat, black sunglasses, and "reading" a newspaper where she was sitting in a nearby park bench a few yards away. Though in her defense she wasn't wearing the typical hat, which would've been a dead giveaway, but her own black beret instead, which made her slightly less suspicious. "Oh, zip it narrator! Les Américains wouldn't understand who I was even if I pranced around with a poster of Brigitte Bardot while singing La Marseillaise for all my worth..."
Actually Bianca, I think...
"I said zip it!"
_____
Trailing behind the others, riding on his wave of coral, Polyp only caught the very end of their foes stereotypical monologue. The French Man? Are you shitting me? Sighing, he lurched forward on his coral slide, hitting the ground with a soft thud. Rolling forwards, he snapped off a bolt of razor sharp coral, firing off chunks of the sea animal. Elkhorn, Hammer, Staghorn, various types of coral chunks rained down on the french villain. Sweating beneath his helmet, he found the other various members of his team to be rather busied with the effects of the french man's blasts.
Snapping his fingers, he shot up a wall of coral, protecting himself from a French - Beam at the last minute, before diving forward, his coral gauntlets slowly covering themselves with Fire Coral. Kinda like jelly-fish covered bronze knuckles. Dodging a french blast, he reared up, and launched a hay-maker blow at the dastardly fiend, the Fire Coral covered gauntlets rearing back.
"French-Man? Really? Make like a real French Man, and surrender already!"
_____
Meanwhile, in a Starbucks in Minneapolis...
Cory was having a relatively good day that day- he was out of Orient, for once, and had actually managed to do some genuinely good shopping (not that Minneapolis has the world's greatest mall, or whatever, but I digress). The espresso wasn't bad (for Starbucks, anyway- whether it was good or not was a different question entirely) and the Sun was shining (OK, so this wasn't so good). But he was alright for another day and that was great.
Of course that was until The Frenchie showed up. Suddenly he was in a Cafe and he wasn't happy. He glanced outside a bit and saw something he had not expected, namely superheroes and... whatever the fuck the french guy was. Considering the "heroes" a bit, he realised that some of them were from the Minnesota Infinite (thinking about it he hadn't seen them in action for a while, outside of the normal dysfunctional family dynamic). All of the "normal" ones were there- and some new ones, they were... weird, at best.
Then he was sitting in a cafe. Weird, as I said.
Deciding against any reasonable impulse in his body, he got up, walked out of the "coffee shop" (grabbing some milk cartons on the way from somewhere) and tapped Captain Calculator on the shoulder.
"Hey Cap, what's going on? Please tell me." He was almost pleading at this last statement. "I thought there wasn't any shit like this going on here."
_____
Captain Andorra watched on as this French Man trashed his team. They all kind of sucked. And that was why he was brought in. Now in order to defeat this French menace he needed to distract him. Easy.
"Hey! Mr.French Man! I think that Andorra should have full sovereignty rights and not just be a principality! Down with the French oppression of Andorra!"
After that beautiful statement, he flung his wooden shield at the man and fell short by about three feet. "Uh. Can I have that back please?"
_____
Aero-Gal, who had been simply observing to this point, had an idea.
Everyone can dog-pile him or something!
She'd hoped that if she waited a bit, this ... French Man villain guy would tire himself out a bit more, and thus make himself easier to take down. But now she saw The French Man's armor glowing. Freaking. Glowing.
If I learned anything from the all the comics I've read, glowing stuff is almost never good. We have to take this chuckle-head down fast. ... I just hope he doesn't explode or something.
She quickly runs over to toss Captain Andorra his shield back.
She then charges at The French Man as she shouts at the top of her lungs, "MINNESOTA INFINITIES! DOG-PILE! Except you Paula 'cause you'd probably crush us all to death. Sorry!"
_____
So our first fight with a super-villain was going ok. We had to let him get in a few shots, because if it weren't for long fight scenes, comic books would need filler material and all that. And someday, this would be a comic. I'm practically sure of it, just as I'm practically sure that every waking moment of mine would also end in a comic book. You have to know where you're goin' in life, and all.
But then there's this thing called, falling down. And that thing was about to happen to me in a big way. So, there I was thinking of all the many ways I would beat the French-Fry-Guy, and calling out occasional words of moral support. ("Way to go, Teadrinkerman!" "Hey, it's only a car. That can't compare to millions of calculators, Captain Co-Sine.") And then all of a sudden, the villain hit Paula, and we were having that thing that I was talkin' about? That thing that was thingily thinging in the big thing way. Yeah, that thing. The falling down part.
It's happened to me before. And the ground malfunctions, and it's like landing on a pillow, only it's the ground. You wouldn't want to confuse the two, dude, by taking the ground up into your bed or running your car over your pillow. I think there's a point where the effect stops or something. And then, you'd just have a bed covered in ground, and your hair would get all gross and stuff. I tried that once, just to see what would happen. And it happens like you would think. It's not cool, man.
But I digress. There I was, fallin' from the lovely height that is Paula's shoulder. And I was expectin' the ground to be all malfunction-y pillow-like, yuh know, like all soft and all? So I stretched out to enjoy it when I plopped down, you know? And on the way down, I saw the French-Fry-Guy glowin', and heavin' more cars, and Aeroplane-Gal and some others try to dogpile on him? But he flew up into the air - passin' me, even. And it happened. One of his jets malfunctioned in an embarrassingly obvious way. French-Fry-Guy started doin' vertical upside-down 180's, like he was goin' in circles head-first an' all, spinnin' around - or more like revolving and rotating at the same time? I don't know. Physics wasn't my thing. But French-Fry-Guy was all in the air, tryin' to fly, only I wouldn't call it flyin'. More like, flailing about in the air, with a suit of armor that looked like it does when you microwave popcorn and the light's are on and all... And then he rammed head first into that Paris cafe' he had made. Sparks were flyin'. Coffee was flyin'. French-Fly-Guy wasn't flyin'. And me? I was fallin'.
With a smile on my face, I counted down to when I would reach my soft landing due to the ground that decided not to work right at that particular time. 5-4-hope Paula's ok, man I hadn't even seen what happened to her - 1...
THUD.
"Ow."
No malfunction. Ground's workin' fine. Never mind me...
_____
The French Man knocked Aero-Gal aside. He took a step back and readied a full power blast of French energy.
Calculator turned to the cafe patron. "We're kind of in a supervillain situation here!"
The French Man heard and tried to fire on the two. Kendall sprinted forward and blocked the blast. She struggled with the pure French essence.
"Kendall!"
"It's fine, she said with a deepening voice. "I've already been hit remember? How worse can it get."
Kendall was however turning into a Frenchier mime. Her shirt became very tight with white and black stripes, clinging to her increasingly masculine body. Her haircut shortened and went from blonde to black. A beret materialized.
"If you're going to do something, do it quickly you American pig dog."
"What'd you call me?"
"That wasn't me! It was the Frenchness? Frenchiness? Ah whatever, your silly language is redundant and just copies patterns from more superior languages anyways. You owe your independence to us you ungrateful swine! The only reason you won anyways is because your English foes were too busy laughing at your ridiculous coonskin hats and your 'hoe-downs'. I can't tell what is worse. Your cheap trash you call food or your pathetic cultural dumpster fire you call Hollywood."
"Let's move before she, he, insults us any further." Calculator sprinted forward and tried to tackle the French Man. He grabbed the middle aged D-lister by the neck and lifted him up with one hand.
"Crap." Calculator exclaimed weakly, struggling for breath. "You're such a lame villain, I forgot your armor is actually kind of badass."
"Ha ha hon! Now American slime, you die like your pathetic attempts to compete with Latin countries at soccer, wait no I mean football. Sacre bleu, you American culture is getting to me!"
The French Man threw Captain Calculator to the ground and readied the iconic supervillain finishing move. A quick kick to the head. Wait no, that's not what usually happens. Usually they make a death trap or use lasers or something. Anyways Calculator was about to die Detroit style until a bright pink teenager materialized out of thin air behind him.
"Big mistake dirt bag!" The woman tackled the French Man and they both disappeared.
"What the hell! Did, did you all see that! I'm not crazy right! I didn't hit my head too hard right!"
"Relax Coathanger Man that's Wraith. She's with the Midwest Infinites, though I have no idea why she's here."
"Wraith?"
"Take one guess why they call her that."
Suddenly the bright pink teenager materialized behind Calculator. "Calvary is here."
Calculator turned. He glanced around. "Where... where is he?"
Wraith just stared at him smiling. His expression soured. She suddenly looked startled.
"Oh sorry! No I wasn't trying to be rude or anything. No I'm not answering you because, well trust me this is going to be badass."
"What is?"
"You know?"
"No I don't! What the hell are you doing!"
"Ugh. Fine I, waiting for him to fall down. I was going to say there he is, right after he hit the ground. It'd be super badass but, timings not on my side here obviously."
"You fucking dropped him from the sky!"
Suddenly the French Man's armored body came crashing down. Calculator glanced over. Blood was pooling beneath the armor.
"Holy shit!"
Wraith turned around. "Hah hah! Not what I was planning but still cool! I mean the timing! Right after you asked if I dropped him, you get the answer! Not what I was planning but just as cool!"
"You teleported him into the sky and let him fall!"
The other Infinites gathered around the body. Coathanger Man kicked his head lightly. "He's dead. He's dead... really very dead. Ew that stuff is lighter than the rest of his blood. I hope it's not brain juice."
"Wraith!"
Wraith glanced back to Calculator and back to the body. "Do you guys... do you guys not kill your villains? Oh... oh I'm so sorry. Jeez I'm being a real ball buster here. I steal your villain, I murder him. I promise I didn't want this to go this way. I didn't want this to be my first impression."
"We've met before Wraith, at a convention."
"Oh yeah. You were the middle aged man who wanted my attention. Yeah, even among the Infinites that's not uncommon. Sorry, I never really interacted with you much. About my other question though?"
"No we don't kill our villains! Wait, no we... we don't not kill. I mean we don't usually do this. There hasn't been a precedent I guess."
"I'm sorry. Your first villain and I take him from you. I promise I wanted to just look cool, not be an asshole."
"Straight up murders a man and the thing she cares about now is not hurting other people's feelings. That's a 180. I like her already."
Wraith walked up to Coathanger Man. "Thanks! Let me guess, Moon Knight! I'm so good at guessing people's superhero names. I do it based on their outfit. With the white cloak and all, it fits."
"No, I'm pretty sure that's a Marvel character too."
"Hmm. Anarchy!"
"No."
"Umm, the White Flash!"
"Yeah... no."
"The clothesline!'
"That's... eerily close. You know what, I should have thought of that."
"You... you can come up up superhero titles? Can... can you do one for me?"
Wraith turned to Kendall. "Sure. Mime Man!"
"What?! Oh right, no no I don't look like this normally. I'm not even a man. It's a long story. Well it's not, but it's a weird story."
"Well you can tell it to Pryce when we get to headquarters. He'll be very interested."
"Headquarters?"
"Yeah Pryce, our team leader, wants to meet you all. I'll take you. It doesn't feel bad I promise."
"Pryce sent you to check in on us? Was Nightshade involved?"
"What? No, no. I wasn't sent to check on you or you on you or report on you. Heh what a silly idea, heh heh. No I'm just here to deliver you guys. You'll love HQ there's wifi, TV, robot butlers, all the Pryce Industries tech you could want, sex bots... wait. I'm not supposed to mention those. No sexbots, no official sexbots. Unofficially if you get to know Pryce pretty well..."
Calculator frowned. Wraith didn't even seem to notice her suddenly odd speech pattern. "Why does he want to see us?"
"I can't tell you. You all seem nice though. I'm sure it'll be great."
"Yeah. Super."
_____
Wraith stared at the French Man's corpse. After having teleported the Infinites to the Midwest Infinites HQ, she went back to retrieve the body. Really she only needed the armor, but she didn't exactly want to pry the corpse out of it. Plus with her power it would hardly be difficult. She walked over to the body. SWAT officers she had teleported past turned to try and stop her, but after seeing the iconic pink spandex they returned to what they had been doing. Wraith bent down to touch the armor. When she did so however it burned her, badly.
"Gaah!" She looked down at her hand. It was a fairly severe burn, though only on the tip of her finger. Pryce could easily heal it no problem. She cautiously held her hand over the armor. She didn't feel any heat coming off of it.
It's not hot anymore you moron. Just pick it up.
"What?" Wraith turned but no one was behind her. She glanced around. "Anyone here? Who said that."
Nobody was there besides the SWAT officers, and they were too far to have said that. Wraith shrugged and touched the armor again. It was cool. She figured it must have been a thought that just suddenly popped into her head and started to lift the armor. It was heavy but she only had to get it off the ground. Once she did she teleported, and soon she was in Pryce's lab. She dumped the corpse on the ground.
"Eh. A robot will get it."
She teleported to the lobby of the headquarters, the eyes of the Minnesota Infinites all turning to her.
"Pryce won't be here for some time, but I can give you all the tour! Right this way."
----
Fruit Passion struggled to his feet as the soda infused villain attacked. He noticed a stand of greeting cards beside him. He took one and flung it at the villain. It landed only about three feet away.
"It's invincible! Nothing can kill it!"
Suddenly though the soda based villain began to shriek as its liquid body vibrated uncontrollably. Fruit Passion looked at the greeting card.
"No, its weakness is greeting cards!" Fruit Passion sprinted forward with another greeting card and jabbed it into the villain. He was violently swatted away.
"NO YOU BLUBBERING MORON! ITS WEAKNESS IS NOT GREETING CARDS! GET THE HELL BACK!"
A man, really just a man; he seemed indistinguishable from any other background character so you can't blame me for not mentioning him earlier, I'm not a perfect narrator, sprinted forward. In his hand he wielded some kind of grenade like device. As it got closer Fruit Passion could hear a very high pitched noise. The soda monster shrieked as it got closer, his body falling apart. The man tossed the device into the villain's weakened body and ducked for cover. As the villain shrieked in pain the device went off, sending soda everywhere.
----
Wraith walked down the halls of the Midwest Infinites HQ with the Minnesota Infinites. "So how'd everyone like Pryce's lab? Everything in there was built with his own hands, and he didn't spend more than five thousand on any of those machines. With that kind of brilliance, it's not hard to see why his corporation is one of the largest in the world or why it can do so much when he has access to hundreds of scientists and billions of dollars."
"You're not just a superhero then. Shilling is also in the job description."
Wraith shot back a nasty look at Captain Calculator. "I have genuine respect for Pryce. He's a brilliant man, and a brilliant leader. He's done real good for the Infinites and for the country. He's an inspiration, and he treats me like an adult and with respect."
HAH! Hah hah ho, jeez. That's a good one, thanks for that laugh. You're such a dumb bitch. If you knew the truth. He thinks of you like a piece of toilet paper. Soon you'll be used and then flushed.
"What did you say to me!"
"What?!"
Wraith paused. Now that she thought about it, it was the same voice from Minneapolis. It wasn't anyone from the Minnesota Infinites.
"You guys... you guys didn't hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"Uhh... uh Panacea. Of course you couldn't hear her. She's talking to me over my comms. She was just insulting me so that's why I reacted like that. We kid, the two of us, heh heh. Err, let's continue." Wraith was of course just saving face. She had no idea who that voice belonged to, and now she knew only she could hear it. Great.
After directing the Minnesota Infinites to wait in the lobby Wraith excused herself and teleported outside. She paced back and forth nervously. "Okay Rachel, get it together. Everything's fine. It was just in your head. You just needed some fresh air was all."
She sat on the grass, taking a deep breath. Everything did feel better. "Alright. Everything's good. I must have been stressed was all."
What would you have to be stressed about. Oh I'm a teen girl. Everything is hard.
Wraith teleported several meters away and jumped up. "Who are you! Show yourself!"
Is this how you treat your guests?
Wraith teleported across the entire complex, all the way over to the helipad. I'm in your head stupid. You can't run from me.
"Gaah!" She looked around panicking. "What are you? You're messing with the wrong person. I'm a member of the Infinites!"
A superhero? Yeah I know. So am I, and I'm kind of better at it then you. In fact I wrote the damn book.
"Then who are you?"
We've never met, but you know who I am. Or I hope you do, this country's education system is kind of going down the shitter.
"I don't-"
I'm a bona fide American hero. I'm like the founding fathers but with a lot more asskicking. I forged this country out of nothing. It was an irradiated dumpster fire when I found it. I built it up through war and conquest so that in the future little girls like you could play pretend and marvel in my legacy. I was the first superhero. I was the knight out of legends.
"Who are you though? What's happening!"
Christ you're never going to get it. I am the American Knight! American hero! Knight out of legends! Uh girl, your boobs to ass ratio is way to small to get you through life with that little brain power.
"What is this? You're a telepath aren't you? Playing some dumbass joke!"
Oh you don't believe me?
Wraith was suddenly bombarded with images, vivid images. Raiders and bandits. An army fighting under an American banner. A figure with medieval armor, the great seal of the United States on the shield.
I'll keep doing that if I have to.
"This is ridiculous. You're some telepath aren't you! How are you American Knight! American Knight was a man and your voice is female."
How do you know?
Wraith thought. "Oh. No one ever saw the American Knight without their armor."
You just assumed I was a man? Don't worry that's normal. We all make assumptions. You assumed a figure who conquered an irradiated wasteland and turned it into a nation-state was male, just like you probably assumed you'd never have that figure living rent free in your brain talking to you as an AI representation of that figure's consciousness.
"What?!"
Sister whether you wanted to or not, you've stumbled onto the first piece of an elaborate conspiracy. You're mine now, and you need me. I need you because, well, I can't exactly physically interact with things anymore. You need me because men and women a lot smarter than you, including your BFF Pryce, are using you as a pawn in their game. Truth is game was rigged from the start. Don't worry though. You've got another player now.
Behind Wraith a blue transparent hologram of a figure wearing medieval style armor, with a large shield that had the great seal of the United States on it, materialized. The figure put their hand on Wraith's shoulder though she didn't notice.
You and me baby doll, we're going to have a lot of fun together. Then I might kill you.
Wraith turned her head slowly to the holographic figure, noticing its head right on her shoulder.
"GAAH!"
_____
So the fight with French-Fry-Guy ended kind of unexpected. I thought we were being stupendous, and the bad guy was gonna be taken down, yuh know? I mean, there were hits and blasts and coral and dogpilin' and more blasts and calculators and dodgin' cars and more blasts and finally him crashing into that little Paris cafe' and then somehow miraculously shrugging it off like it never happened and then tryin' to do the last minute, overpowered bad-guy-villain thing where he looks like he's gonna win, but he doesn't? And then, who should appear but one of the real Infinites! Wraith! Whoa! And then, the next thing I know, French-Fry-Guy is dead! Dead, as in like Elvis Presley's fashion sense dead. And I'm in a great amount of superhero pain an' all. And then we're teleported all to this secret lair of what's his name with all the doodads and gizmos.
Dude! I know Wraith! She teleported me to the front door of the Minnesota Infinites from the super-secret-Infinites HQ of the California Infinites, after I crashed that huge alien warship, yuh know? It's kind of like what started this whole quest of mine. So yeah, Wraith came and dropped me off right there on the doorstep. Dude! She doesn't recognize me?
Then Wraith blinked out of existence, like she was beaming up to the Enterprise, only without the cheezy special effects from the 70's? And so I glanced over at Paula. "You ok, babe?" She didn't look ok. She looked kind of crammed and all.
And then just like that, Wraith went all Enterprise again and came back - with dead French-Fry-Guy. Dude, I witnessed it, but I still don't know what's goin' on. So I tried to reintroduce myself to Wraith and all, seein' as how we have a history, and then she kind of started leadin' us on a tour (which was good, because several of those techno-gizmos were starting to give off tons of smoke, and one was on fire). And as she was tourin', she started actin' all superodd, yuh know? And maybe it just wasn't the moment to make reintroductions and all. It's like she was havin' a schizo moment.
But I thought I would try anyway. "Hey, Wraith, remember me? Remember, you teleported me not to long ago to the HQ of the Minnesota Infinites after I took down that huge alien warship? I'm Glitch! Like, we're almost friends. Right?"
And even though Wraith was goin' all schizo, she looked at me, and recognized me. I'm sure of it! Then, she said, "Oh, it's you." Totally awesome! Like I said, we're practically friends!
_____
Paula wasn't prepared for the French Man's blow to her knee, and less so how much it actually would hurt. It got her completely off guard, she lost her balance, and fell down hard on the ground, right at the same knee that he had hit. "AAAGGHH!!!" she cried out, grimaced in pain, and winced. What had happened to Glitch? God, it fucking hurt! She really hoped he was okay, but she couldn't see him. Had he fallen behind her? She hadn't accidently crushed him, had she?
The blonde giantess with the red-squared flannel shirt struggled to get up again, but managed only to get to a sitting position. She grabbed her knee with both hands. Well, she was done for. No more fighting for her today. The pain was simply too much. She inhaled sharply, and let out another cry of pain. "SHHHHH- AAAAAGHH!!! SHHHHHH- AAAAAAGHHH!!! SHHHHH- !" In the corner of her eye she could see that the fight still went on. The villain was actually tougher than expected, but after another couple of failed attempts by her new friends and colleagues to subdue him, some pink girl turned up from nowhere and just killed him. If she hadn't been in so much pain, Paula would probably have been shocked, or at least surprised, but as it was now, she wasn't. She was too busy not to cry. Not because she was sad but because it hurt like hell, but still she refused to show herself weak like that. Stupid maybe, but...
She hardly noticed that they were teleported. Not until she realized that they were inside, and that it somehow was room for her too, a fact that she found even more unbelievable than the teleportation act itself. Strange, but there was a first time for everything, she supposed.
Then she heard a familiar voice from below, a voice that made her smile. "Glitch! Yes, I'm okay! Are you?" Then she looked at the others and whispered. "Sorry for screaming..."
[/hr]
At first, the obvious spy just snickered. She loved the new look of the block that her ex-husband was giving it, but she found it just as amusing to see him get his ass kicked. "Ha ha hon! Serves that crétin just right..." Then, she began to worry. "Merde, this doesn't look too good for him. Maybe I should intervene? Then again, I do want him stopped..." And when Wraith made her appearance, she dropped her cigarette into her glass of wine (because of course she also had a glass of wine next to her, even though I forgot to mention that earlier), and gaped just as much as all other spectators, those who weren't secret agents.
"Merde..."
She wanted to scream when he crashed to his certain death, but somehow she couldn't. She was paralyzed. All she could do was to stare at the horrible scene in front of her. This... this could not be! This wasn't how it was supposed to work out! Slowly, she came to her senses again, but at that point the so-called heroes were already gone. She blinked, gripped her newspaper tighter, and swallowed. She tried to constrain herself. Despite all the things that had happened between them, a part of her had still loved the man, and there was also another aspect, that Wraith herself unknowingly had realized... French Man had been Bianca's to catch, alive, and then this putain just showed up and killed him! Putain de bordel de merde!
La Grenouille gritted her teeth and hizzed. "I'll get you for this, Wraith..."
